The Gourmet's Ultimate Guide to Food Read online

The Gourmet's Ultimate Guide to Food

  By

  “Gaston and Louis”

  rev 1

  For Donna & Dianne

  Copyright Gary E. Miller, & Lenny Everson 2014

  Cover design by Lenny Everson

  ****

  Note

  Gaston was Channeled by Gary Miller [G/M]

  Louis was Channeled by Lenny Everson [L/E]

  The authors have foolishly ignored existing historical battle scenes for their comments on food and drink, a case of too many chefs and not enough First Nations people. Their descriptions of edibles and potables are subjective... not objectionable.

  Louis once led the world in gastronomy, until Gaston mustard the strength to ketchup to him.

  These two learned much in their lives, especially about leftovers. Those, said Gaston, who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. Or as the leftover pasta replied, "Curses, foiled again." Thus they preferred fresh food from the farmer's market, Louis keeping his eyes peeled for potatoes and Gaston slipping through bunches of bananas.

  They met their sad end one evening when a rival chef invited them to a donner party. They assumed it was a typo….

  Readers are free to disagree with the authors' opinions, but preferably in limerick form.

  ****

  There's a drink called a piña colada

  Made with rum and soon after you've had a

  Single one – what a feeling:

  And a second, you're reeling;

  A third one and everything's nada.

  [G/M]

  A food that most breakfasters can take

  Is the round and flat, light, soft pancake;

  Drenched in syrup and butter,

  It makes taste buds flutter;

  It's the best thing a morning cook can make.

  [G/M]

  It is time to praise mom's chicken soup;

  It's a sure cure for colds or the croup,

  But it won't help with mumps

  Or when you're in the dumps

  Or most ills that knock you for a loop.

  [G/M]

  The praise for that seafood, clam chowder

  Grows deservedly louder and louder;

  No's a word you can't say to

  That sauce and potato,

  While the chef becomes prouder and prouder.

  [G/M]

  It's a lemon on steroids, bright yellow;

  Inside, pink or pale and not mellow;

  It is bitter and sour,

  Its taste makes me cower-–

  The grapefruit is not for this fellow.

  [G/M]

  The potato has such great variety

  We treat it with a kind of piety:

  Mashed, scalloped, baked, fried,

  we're always satisfied

  To eat to a state of satiety.

  [G/M]

  The praise that is lavished on carrots

  May be more than this vegetable merits;

  Its colour is pretty,

  but it's a great pity

  It's not used to feed famished parrots.

  [G/M]

  Vegetarians may boast quite cockily

  Of the health benefits of their broccoli,

  But they give me a pain;

  From their food I'll abstain

  And I mention it only quite mockily.

  [G/M]

  Cauliflower, cooked up or served raw,

  Is a veggie best kept from your maw;

  I view it with dolour;

  It's broccoli sans colour

  And. like it, a taste that is blaw.

  [G/M]

  Even though they are very nutritious,

  Lima beans should be served in small dishes;

  While their content is good,

  They're a dry, sandy food

  And their taste anything but delicious.

  [G/M]

  Caviar is an expensive dish

  Which you're free to consume, if you wish,

  But it seems strange to me

  'Cuz this delicacy

  Is simply the eggs of a fish.

  [G/M]

  Some snobs feel that there's nothing meaner

  Than the lowly but versatile weiner,

  But it's only hellish

  Without mustard or relish

  To make it taste even much keener.

  [G/M]

  Dieticians decry the hot dog

  Because arteries it may well clog,

  But one won't cause alarm

  And should do you no harm;

  More than one, though, and you are a hog.

  [G/M]

  Of all condiments, jalopeno

  Is my favourite, though it is green, so

  The unwary have learned,

  After they have been burned,

  Food, though it's not red, can be keen too.

  [G/M]

  If a chef uses plenty of curry

  He need never have a doubt or worry

  That I'll find his food edible

  For this spice is incredible;

  I gobble it down in a hurry.

  [G/M]

  Fish and chips is an old piscine treat

  Which most people are eager to eat;

  Of course it is faulty:

  It's too greasy and salty,

  But with tastiness it is replete.

  [G/M]

  How can anyone dislike spaghetti?

  To do so is foolish and petty;

  With meat sauce, if you please,

  And lots of grated cheese

  Scattered on it like wedding confetti.

  [G/M]

  My enjoyment of well-cooked pork chops

  Is a pleasure-which time never stops;

  As I savour each bite

  I'm amazed such delight

  Can come from a pig which eats slops.

  [G/M]

  It is good for you, I have no doubt;

  I am talking about sauerkraut,

  But I don't like the smell

  Nor the flavour as well.

  Does that make me a great gourmet lout?

  [G/M]

  Jambalaya's a food that is Cajun;

  With hot spices like fire it is ragin';

  It quickens the blood

  And every taste bud

  Feels like a wild war it is wagin'.

  [G/M]

  Whether you are Dane, Chinese, or Prussian,

  You'll like beef Stroganoff, which sounds Russian.

  There s a simply routine

  To show what I mean:

  A forkful, open mouth, and then push in.

  [G/M]

  I think I am fond of fondue;

  Cheese or chocolate, either will do;

  It's fun to do dipping

  And pull it out dripping,

  And I love anything that's all goo.

  [G/M]

  A meal's not a meal without bread

  Or some fresh rolls or soft buns instead,

  Whether whole wheat or white –

  The taste is just right –

  And a diner ends feeling well-fed.

  [G/M]

  Like a child, I just love jelly beans,

  Whether reds, blacks, or yellows or greens;

  They're sweet and they're gooey;

  I eat them and cry "Whooey:"

  I feel I'm again in my teens.

  [G/M]

  Rice pudding gives some people thrills,

  Though it looks like glue filled with small pills.

  Can it cure diarrhea?

  It's sure no panac
ea

  For any of our human ills.

  [G/M]

  Nothing beats a great big chocolate sundae;

  When I have one, it's always a fun-day.

  But if I indulge

  Calories cause a big bulge,

  So I'll fast from Sunday until Monday.

  [G/M]

  There's a French dish. that's called crepe Suzette

  Which a gourmet is happy to get;

  Orange-flavoured, with brandy,

  It would be just dandy –

  But the brandy's burned off, I regret.

  [G/M]

  A versatile drink is hot coffee;

  It's the day's strophe and antistrophe;

  With cream, sugar, or black,

  What a punch it can pack;

  Your palate will say: It's good – awfully.

  [G/M]

  How can anyone show his disdain

  Towards a bottle of fine French champagne?

  It's enjoyable doubly

  Because it's so bubbly,

  Though the next day your head may feel pain.

  [G/M]

  It is better to serve a martini

  In a glass that is not large but teeny

  For the gin and vermouth

  Make some drinkers uncouth

  And they begin to act most obscenely.

  [G/M]

  Poor authors like Dickens and Thackeray

  Never got to taste even one daquiri

  Because it was created

  After their time – post-dated –

  Did Fate do this as a cruel mockery?

  [G/M]

  There's a Newfoundland drink known as screech

  Against which, no doubt, puritans preach;

  It's a most potent rum

  Which soon leaves drinkers numb;

  Moderation is what it will teach.

  [G/M]

  Should I order those pub-room fries?

  I know the menu picture lies!

  Gawd, I'm a fool

  They're soggy and cool

  When am I ever gonna get wise?

  [L/E]

  I wanna be a pamphleteer

  Telling people about the wonders of beer

  Though I may fall down

  Just walking around

  Like any drunk, I'll be sincere

  [L/E]

  Nothing, I say, could be fina

  Than getting apples shipped from China

  But at least this poem

  Was made here at home

  I can tell because I can't find a rhyme though I'm tryna

  [L/E]

  Those who live in cabanas

  Look natural eating bananas

  It may seem queer

  But me, I always fear

  I'm involved in some transgression of mannas

  [L/E]

  I was going to claim John Belushi

  Died from eating too much sushi

  But one just might get sued

  Just for slandering food

  At least, that's my escushi

  [L/E]

  If the devil offers you an apple

  Don’t resist, argue, or grapple

  Swallow it down

  While he’s still around

  Then run right off to a chapel.

  [L/E]

  I gave my wife an avocado

  You'd think she found el dorado

  Me, I think

  I'd prefer a drink

  Perhaps a cask of amontillado

  [L/E]

  May I present the wondrous pear

  Shaped like your spouse over there

  She's got a heck of a seat

  But you think she's sweet

  And when the lights are out you don't really care

  [L/E]

  I relate the lesson of the peach,

  A fruit with a story to teach;

  It does what it does

  Still covered with fuzz

  As we – ah, but I preach

  [L/E]

  Listen, friends, for I'm

  Gonna declare that this fruit is a crime

  True, what could be duller

  Than a fruit named after a color

  But mostly an orange is a dastardly fruit that won't rhyme

  [L/E]

  Ah, the wonderful sweet taste

  Of things that swim in their own waste

  Even Humphery Bogurt

  Was a big fan of yogurt

  And its benefits he cheerfully embraced

  [L/E]

  Lord help the dried-fruit apricot

  Looks like a turd, orange and squat

  Tastes not as bad

  As some fruits I’ve had

  But I really don’t buy them a lot

  [L/E]

  When I hear the word mayonnaise

  I see French girls rolling in hays

  I cherish the wiggle

  I cherish the giggle

  And I cherish… I'm trying to remember the phrase

  [L/E]

  For breakfast I rather like wine

  And a bottle or two when I dine

  I don't think that I'll

  Ever be an oenophile

  If I keep drinking it out of a stein

  [L/E]

  Hot and sour soup, it's been said

  Will keep one happily fed

  Eat it now

  With Chinese chow

  You're not going to get it when you're dead

  [L/E]

  If you’ve been lost a month in a boat

  You’ll appreciate the taste of an oat

  Meal porridge

  Brought out from storage

  And even get the stuff down your throat

  [L/E]

  There's nothing wrong with a plum

  It can keep you from getting to glum

  Just keep it handy

  In a bottle of brandy

  And soon I'll be over for some

  [L/E]

  Some diners seem to have a habit,

  When they see salad, quickly to grab it;

  Lettuce, carrots, and such

  Are really too much –

  Unless, of course, you are a rabbit,

  [G/M]

  We are told we should eat lots of spinach

  For the vitamins, minerals in each

  Mouthful, but how good

  If there were other food,

  Better-tasting, just as vitamin-rich.

  [G/M]

  After dinner, a snifter of brandy

  (Or in any glass you may find handy),

  No matter what blend

  Is a perfect meal's end,

  While a second glass is much more dandy.

  [G/M]

  The Lees invite me for dinner; I don't mind

  Because I'm royally fed and wined

  But I'm always hopeful

  The fruit salad isn't canteloupeful

  Because they never take off the rind

  [L/E]

  There's a rather testicular shape

  To a common Chilean grape

  But I prefer to get demented

  By the ones fermented

  Then climb out the fire escape

  [L/E]

  Sure, I'm gonna hafta develop a taste for stewed prune

  In later life, the darn stuff's a boon

  But when I look in that bowl;

  Right down to my soul

  I just hope that day's not coming real soon

  [L/E]

  One could celebrate the raisin

  It's ugly, but deserves some praisin

  Just don't say that

  It resembles toad scat

  That would be todally inappropriate phrasin'

  [L/E]

  Is there anything better than shrimp,

  A seafood on which you don't scrimp,

  Dipped in a tangy sauce?

&nbsp
; Refuse them--your loss,

  And as gastronome you are a wimp.

  [G/M]

  I love haggis. No, really, I do.

  Its ingredients sound bad, it's true:

  Barley, tatty, and neap,

  Cooked in stomach of sheep –

  But washed down with a strong Scottish brew.

  [G/M]

  A large slice of warm apple pie

  Is dessert for this gluttonous guy,

  Made better by cinnamon

  Or a big scoop of ice cream on

  The crust. For this treat I would die.

  [G/M]

  I'm ambivalent about a nectarine

  Something's been done to its gene

  I've tried to do some reading

  On just how cross is "cross breeding"

  Because I don't want to get really mean

  [L/E]

  I wonder, by all that is holy,

  Who created the first guacamole;

  From its name it's a dish

  That is likely Spanish.

  When I eat it, should I cry out "Olé:"?

  [G/M]

  Not in Italy but the U. S.

  Beloved pizza was born, so I guess

  That it is only rational,

  Since it's so international,

  To serve it world-wide, more or less.

  [G/M]

  Chow mein is a dish from far China

  Pleasing the taste buds of every dinah;

  Eaten in full sobriety

  Or drunk, its variety

  Makes folks say that there's no food finah.

  [G/M]

  I got old – life's a fink

  Chamomile's all I can drink

  A bag of seeds

  Tasting like weeds

  The gods meant for some damn bobolink

  [L/E]